Diagnosis

Well, it's here at last. After three months. The diagnosis :) We found out last week. After lots and *lots* of visits to specialists (the pediatric rheumatologist... the dermatologist... the infectious disease doctor...), the diagnosis is pretty clear. Thankfully, it is not any form of arthritis nor a hidden infection. It is not Lyme disease or lupus. It's just a very, very severe case of eczema. A condition that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Everything - the exhaustion/fatigue, joint pain, infections - stems from my eczema. Nothing is really going to change, I just have to learn to live with it.

It's been a hard week, but I think the worst is over. When the doctor told us the diagnosis, it took all of my energy not to break down crying right there. I know it's not the end of the world, but it's still a hard idea to get used to. It's hard to wake up with pain, but instead of thinking, "It'll be over soon" , I have to face the fact, "This is life."

So, that's that. I wish I could say I've been happy and content in the face of trial, but, heh, that's not the case. Like I said, it's been a rough week. I'm grateful for this new stage of life - just as I turn seventeen - and I know I'll learn even more through the upcoming trials, and that beyond all the pain, He has "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future." And I can rest in that =) Joy will come and so will contentment.

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
'It is well, it is well with my soul.'

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Pierced

I don't know how many times I've done this. I don't want to know. My knees lose their strength, and I'm kneeling on the floor.

My forehead touches the floor, the cool wood soothes my burning skin. I'm crying.

My lips move to pray, "Your Will be done." But all that comes out is the muted cry, Why?

And the tears keep falling.





It has been two 1/2 months now. I think I have finally realized that this might just stay with me for awhile. The doctors don't have a diagnosis, and even though I wish fervently they could wave a magic wand and make all the pain go away, that's just not the way it is.

But I am home :) With parents who would drive for an hour and a half to take me to ER, brothers who make me laugh, sisters who do my chores, and friends who pray for me and brighten my days with their sweet and dear friendship. There's no legitimate reason for me to be sad or discontent with my lot. I am so blessed, so happy, and so grateful to God.

I have learned so much and am still learning from this whole experience, and despite all the pain, I thank God for putting me through all of this. He is showing me what beautiful joy there is, how blessed I am, how *healthy* I am in comparison to others. Divine truth pierces my doubts, my fears. Divine sovreignty pierces through my plans, leaves me helpless. And my heavenly Father patiently teaches me that the night may come, but Joy will come in the morning.

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